Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Potato Theology: May the Tot of Gott of Be With You

Gott is tot is German for God is dead. It is not, as I previously thought, God is a tater tot. I would have been okay with that too. Who doesn’t enjoy a pile of warm, golden tots fresh out of the oven?  I think Jesus would have approved of tater tots.

If the Supreme Being were a tater tot or if the tot was, at least part of the Holy Trinity I would have enjoyed mass a whole lot more. Let’s say all things being equal that the tot was Jesus as the 2nd person of the Holy Trinity. We’d not want to equate it with the Holy Spirit. The Great Tot himself told his followers that mocking the Holy Spirit was the only sin that was unforgiveable.  Establishing the tot as the 3rd person of the trinity seems like mockery to me. The son of man was okay with a little good natured ribbing. The Holy Spirit is an invisible whiny bitch that runs home to tell daddy on you.

Now that this is settled we can extrapolate further that Jesus’ golden potato-ey goodness would have inspired this lapsed Catholic. Going to communion would truly be the high point of the liturgy, not just the magical, symbolic high point (please don’t get me started on the intellectual folly of transubstantiation).
“This is the crispy golden potato of Christ.”

“Ay-fucking-men Padre,” would be the response, “Pop that tasty tot in my mouth.”
I just texted a friend and asked her if she thought Jesus would have been a mayo or a ketchup man. Being a good Lutheran – also lapsed – from Middle America she prefers to keep her beliefs close to her chest so as to not offend.  I think Midwest Lutherans may have been what Jesus had in mind when he said that the meek shall inherit the earth. However, that was before they closed all the factories and sent jobs overseas.

“I think his preference would be mixed,” She said, “He’d not want to discriminate against any particular condiment.”

True methinks

“Jesus would also have no problem with same condiment marriage either,” I said.


Well…I’m not sure where he’d fall on Thousand Islands. That dressing has higher carb content from sugar than many other dressings and it also looks a little like barf.


As a senior in high school I worked the grill at a local fast food restaurant named Herfy’s. We were the home of the Herfy’s Hefty Burger and no Hefty burger was complete without our patented secret Herfy Sauce. Yup…you guessed it. Our secret sauce was mostly Thousand Islands which our commissary shipped to us in 2 gallon tubs.  No wonder I found 3 dead flies legs up on a stack of frozen patties on one of my last shifts.

I tend to be a Charles Darwin man, but the existence of the potato, natures most perfect root (not my favorite root, however. Wink...wink), might sway me toward intelligent design. I don’t want to be controversial though. Let’s end with a benediction.

“May the Tot of Gott be with you.”

“And also with you.”

“Go forth in peace my children.”

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