Friday, August 20, 2010

Grab a Clean Pair of Under Pants and Your Flame Thrower, We're Going to Albuquerque


“I told you the government was involved in this whole zombie mess.”

The Hit Man flung a small stack of papers onto the conference table at Dagon headquarters. The papers slid down the table. Some were caught in the breeze from the ceiling fan and took flight. Socrates reached out lightening quick and snatched one in mid air.

“Ahhh, The Weekly World News,” he responded sagely. “It would appear that there is an uptick in the Zombie population in Albuquerque. But, I daresay some of their data is incorrect. It’s probably just the ranting of some anti-Obama group.”

I slid one of the papers toward me and took a look.

BRAIN EATING VACCINES TURN AMERICANS INTO ZOMBIES

Socrates was probably correct. The article had a definite anti-Obama flavor and given the large number of alien abductees in the state of New Mexico you could usually expect a certain amount of shrill anti-government conspiracy rhetoric. However, there is one more than one way to create a zombie. It wouldn’t be above certain secret factions within the U.S. government attempting to force mass compliance through chemical docility. The CIA infused public water with LSD in the early 70’s in an attempt to study its effects on a large population.

“I would tend to concur with Socrates,” I said. “It would be more likely that this is a failed human trial of a first generation H1Z1 vaccination.”

“It still wouldn’t hurt to send the Hit Man and Boneless Frank out there to take a look around,” said Mary Magdalene walking into the room. Mary’s long auburn tresses flowed magnificently in the air as she walked to the table pulled out the chair next to mine and gracefully sat down. I have never met a woman whose movements were more fluid and sensual. A tangy aroma of floral spice filled the space near me. She always smelled so nice.

Socrates nodded in agreement and Mary’s suggestion.

“That is definitely a prudent plan. Any zombie sighting should be investigated, especially when they are this close to home.”

“Is this article the only report?” asked Mary. “Do we have any corroborating reports to indicate this is more than a tabloid spoof?”

Boneless Frank nervously pecked away at his laptop keyboard. It was evident that he was not looking forward to any potential field assignment. But, I couldn’t blame him. One bite from an infected host and you’re a goner.

Beheading

Immolation in flames

The problem with being a newly infected is that you still have your senses about you. The beheading is actually merciful though I would imagine a little scary since you knew it was coming.

*shudder*

Frank punched a few more keys. Then looked up

“The Zombie Reporting Center reports no new outbreaks in the Congo or Indonesia.”

“What about here in the West?” Mary asked

“None.”

“This is highly suspicious,” remarked Socrates.

“It definitely needs to be checked out,” Said Mary.

The Hit Man stretched, cracked his knuckles and then slapped Boneless Frank on the back with a loud thud. Boneless flopped forward thwacking his head on the conference table.

“This is going to be fun,” The Hit Man crowed. “Grab a clean pair of underpants and your flame thrower old son. We’re going to Albuquerque.”

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